Oh, Jacob. I hate that you sometimes have to see me sad.
I hate that people ask if "it's about time for another;" I hate that nosy shopkeepers inquire if your list to Santa includes a sibling; I hate that your friends (no fault to them, as they're as young and innocent as you) ask me why you don't have a brother or sister as they sit next to you in the back seat.
But the thing I hate the most is that I have no good answers when you're the question-asker.
We will probably not "get (you) a brother or sister." And it's not because you don't deserve one because, you, Jacob, deserve the world. Your daddy and I would have loved nothing more than to give you a playmate, a confidante, a hair-puller and tagalong. We would have loved to taught you to change a diaper, shampoo a bald head, and share your favorite book. Without a doubt, you would have been the best big brother in the universe, and you would have done so with such a gentle lovingness that it would have put our techniques to shame.
I know this is hard for a 6 year-old who has won over the world to understand, but we don't always get what we want. It's no one's fault, and it's not fair, but it's the way it is. I told you once that God decides who gets to raise His babies. That probably wasn't the right way to explain it; unfortunately, I don't know the right way, especially when it seems that the most ill-equipped, financially strapped people become parents, looking at child-rearing as a "right" instead of a "privilege." But, again, there is no explanation.
Someday, when you're older and the time is right, I'll tell you many stories and show you many pictures. Stories that I think about every single day of my life, and pictures that I keep only because I don't know what else to do with them. Things that time will have healed, and memories that will be just distant enough to be only memories.
Until then, it's important to me that you know that, if I get nothing else in life, I got the most important, most perfect, brightest star in the galaxy. It's important that you know, if nothing else, that you have a luxury none of your friends have, and that's your Dad and me. You get us all to yourself; no fighting over laps or bedtime hugs or seats at the dinner table. They're all for you. They will always be all for you.
3 comments:
You're making me cry. Love you!
But you will have taught Jacob about ever-present and unconditional love. He will be so secure within his own heart and soul and self that he will always share and bless the world as he has been blessed by Mommy and Daddy. It will never occur to him that basic human goodness, love and caring, could ever be compartmentalized. He'll never accept the idea of love as a commodity, something to be earned, withheld or meted out conditionally. You have no need to want for something else in life; you already have everything that matters. You have love and the wisdom to know that, in its abundance, it finds the nooks and crannies and fills the void. As his world expands, and it will .... daily, so will your capacity and joy. He is the mark you leave on this place and time. Nourished from your wellspring of love without exception, it will glow forever.
Oh Shannon! You made me cry too! Jacob is so lucky to have you and Mark! Love you!
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